If you have traveled for any length of time, then you are bound to collect numerous tales of bathroom mishaps.
From food poisoning to disgusting holes in the ground, there is always something out there that is terrible in the moment… but a great story for later.
And so it is with my tale of our first sponsored article and the neverending hike that became my most embarrassing moment of our trip (so far). If you are sensitive to bathroom talk, then please, don’t read further.
You’ve been warned.
How It Begins
We were three weeks into our RTW adventure and loving Chile. We had spent most of our time in Santiago, but were relocating to the beautiful beach town of Valparaiso for two nights.
Right before we left the hostel in Santiago to board our bus to the beach, Meg checked her email to find that we had secured our first sponsored trip… a beautiful hike in the Andes outside of Santiago with AndoAndes!
The only problem was that we would have to bail on our second night in Valparaiso…
No problem. We just would go twice as hard the one night we were in Valparaiso – We couldn’t pass up the chance for our first sponsored adventure!
Apparently,going twice as hard for one night was just my mindset, because Meg had a few drinks at our hostel in Valparaiso and snuck off to bed. I, however, ended up staying up till the wee hours of the morning playing strange drinking games with a few new Belgian friends.
This guy is trouble...
This is where you should start to get worried for me.
In surprisingly good shape the next morning, I hopped on the bus and ventured back to Santiago where we were to be picked up by our tour company early the next day.
Feeling fine for most of the day (outside of a few post-drinking stomach rumbles), we went to bed early excited for our big hike.
Trouble
I wake up the morning of the hike, over 24 hours from when I had stayed up late drinking in Valparaiso, to feel my stomach in knots. Completely uncomfortable, but with no choice but to power through, I down a couple pieces of bread for breakfast and hop in the van that will take us to the mountain.
Upon arriving at the base of the mountain where the hike begins, I am surrounded by beauty but can only think of my poor stomach.
Hoping a snack might make me feel better, I dig into the wonderful spread prepared by our tour guides. Feeling slightly better, I begin the hike in total oblivion as to what is about to transpire on the mountain.
An hour into the hike, our wonderful guides inform me that the only bathroom in the national park was at the entrance to the trail…
Boy was I glad my stomach was feeling better.
I spoke too soon… three quarters of the way up the mountain, a spontaneous rumble in my gut signaled that I might be in trouble.
Still undaunted, I pressed forward as the stomach cramps ceased for the moment. Once at the top, I assumed all would be fine since I had made it to the top without incident, so how bad could the 4 hour hike down be?
Very.
Only one hour into the four hour decent… the man-tractions started.
The Beginning Of The End
What are man-tractions you ask? They are the male equivalent of contractions, but since men cannot phyically perform child birth (sorry Arnold), ours are associated with the bowels. You know that message your body sends you when you need to search for a bathroom quickly because the cramps have started?
These are mantractions.
Just like contractions, they will pass if you concentrate, but will increase in urgency and pain over time and will also accelerate in frequency.
With my man-tractions starting, the clock in my head begin to tick.
3 hours to get to the base of the mountain and the bathrooms with man-tractions every 45 minutes… I can make it.
Uh oh… man-tractions now every 30 minutes and two hours still to go.
Don’t do this to me, I thought. Man-tractions every 15 minutes and 1.5 hours still to go.
At this point, I am not talking to Meg, not stopping to wait for stragglers, and clenching tight.
With man-tractions now every ten minutes and still an hour to go, I started to look around for a nice leafy bush to hide behind.
Just my luck. No cover anywhere to be seen and the wind is picking up. You do NOT want to be going #2 outdoors when the wind is whipping hard.
Every 5 minutes now the man-tractions would renew in earnest. There was no way I was making it safely to the bathroom at the bottom of the mountain.
Barely able to walk for fear of an accidental turd, I am now shuffling down the mountain and grimacing in pain.
It’s go time.
Disaster
Only 10 minutes to the base of the mountain and within view of the bathrooms, I make a desperate break for it. With man-tractions occurring non-stop, I am fully dilated and ready to give birth.
Not able to fully contain the explosion that is imminent, but trying my darndest, I finally catapult myself into the bathrooms of the national park and dive into the nearest stall.
Realizing too late what the next Olympic sport should be (unclipping your pants with a built in belt during a defcon 5 bathroom situation), I unsuccessfully wrestle them down as the explosion rocks the stall.
Head in my hands, but feeling oh so much better, I survey the damage.
Dear.
God.
I am a monster.
More than 3 feet up past the toilet tank was the most perfect rooster tail of foulness.
Let your imagination run wild with this image...
Embarrassed to have soiled the bathroom on our first sponsored tour and feeling terrible for whoever was to come in after, I sprinted back to the van and did not say a word for the rest of the trip.
There are lots of terrible bathroom stories that happen when on the road, but I definitely learned my lesson…
Don’t play drinking games with Belgians.
You tell a vivid story, I was right there with you. Most of us have had this happen to us at some time. Bravo for making it up and down the trail.
I think I should apologize if the story was so vivid that you were right there with me…
Just some of the general perils of traveling RTW!
Great story, and all I can add, is that I know that feeling. May the force be with you.
Love, Papa Dave
Everyone does it… right? Pretty sure I read a book about it once.
OMG, I have been there when out running and I give a MAN-Nod to you. Because the more you do not try to think about the situation you are in the more YOU DO THINK ABOUT the situation you are in. To last 4 hours from the main initial urge is supremely commendable. The image of the Rooster tail was an image I won’t get out of my mind for awhile. BTW, did anyone on your bus go the bathroom after you ?
haha i’m glad you can empathize and trust me, i can’t get that image out of my head. Luckily, i was last in the so nobody had to witness my bathroom tragedy.
I for one am disgusted by this and have never had anything like this happen.
The best part is that it took you almost TWO MONTHS to come to terms with allowing yourself to publish this. This is definitely a gateway story and I cannot wait to see what this opens up to the doors to in the future.
If this is the Kipp I know from college… than I highly doubt you have never experienced this phenomenon.
And yes. I still have not come to term with it but my therapist, Meg, thought it would silence some of my demons.
Love the honesty. I am sure this could happen to anyone…..
I’d like to think so…. but at least we’re proving how honest and open we are!
Sorry to admit, but I did get a chuckle at your expense. I certainly appreciate the honesty…and ability to write in graphic detail, but hey, we’re all human right?
Thanks, Morgan…
The one thing all long-term travelers have in common, no matter their background or home country, is an epic bathroom story. Meg just made me share mine with the world…
You must have done some real digging to find this article. I thought I had buried it behind too many other articles to ever be found again!
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